

ldquo;Greetings my fellow felines from me, Fluffy Ratbag, and welcome to this, the first of the Worlrsquo; Famous Fluffy Ratbag Guides For Cats.
You probrsquo;ly all know me on account of my Worlrsquo; Famous blogginrsquo; and stuff but in case you donrsquo;t have a handy human to operate the wiggly thing ndash; they call it a mouse but, trust me, itrsquo;s not worth the effort of catching ndash; then I shall tell you a bit about me.
I am Fluffy Ratbag and there are two humans who live with me; a Noisy Woman and a Skinny Man. They are not too troublesome although they do need to be reminded a lot when I need Food. We live in a rainy place near many other cats (some of whom are laydeez. I like laydeez. Unfortunately, I am not the cat I used to be, as it were, and one day I will get my own back on the Skinny Man who took me to have my wossnames off and then he will know what it feels like. Oh yes. Not that I am bitter or anything.). The other cats around here ndash; you may know some of them ndash; are mostly very nice and although I am the smallest of them, I am very much the brightest. Round here, only I am a Worlrsquo; Famous blogginrsquo; cat and therefore only I am famous in this way. Unlike them, who are not.
So today I am going to share with you some handy knowledge that Cats should know about the topic of Consumer Electronics. Many of your humans will have gadgets and so I will tell you many useful things about which are good and which are To Be Avoideds.
The TellphoneYour humans will almost certainly have some of these. They are covered in buttons and are quite small. Mind you, so are remote controls and children in cardigans but tellphones can be told apart on account of that the humans speak into them. Which they also do with children sometimes but thatrsquo;s more shouty.
I donrsquo;t know why tellphones are called that except that humans tell them things. You would not believe what my Noisy Woman tells to hers. Anyway, it is worth being nervous about them as often my humans will talk at one and then we go for a ride to the Cat Torture Chamber where the Man Who Smells Of Disinfectant does things to me or we go to the Cat Hotel which is nicer but can still be a pain in the wotsit. Although not as much as the Cat Torture Chamber if you know what I mean, lsquo;nuff said.
Anyway, most tellphones now are not connected to the wall with a wiggly thing so that makes them good to put under the settee with all the rest of your stash of secret stuff. It is really funny when the tellphone cries for attention and they canrsquo;t find it. The Skinny Man gets ever so red in the face and says lots of blah-words which make the Noisy Woman blush.
The Remote ControlYour humans will certainly have many of these. Like tellphones, they are good to hide under the settee with the rest of your secret stash. And the tellphones that you put there previous. The thing here is only to hide one and to leave the others alone. They will go for ages without wanting it but then, when they do, it is funny to see them hunting all over for it. I have seen the Skinny Man throw all the cushions off the settee trying to find it. One day, I am hoping that the tellphone will ring at the same time and send him over the edge. That will teach him to chop my wossnames off, not that I am bitter or anything.
The Washing MachineDo not climb into this. Ever. No matter how wide open the door is. No matter how soft are the clothes inside it. Do not get in. You will get dizzy and wet. This never happened to me but I have heard about it happening to other cats. Not me, others. Honest. Anyway, just stay out of it, OK?
The OvenSee Washing Machine above. There is a cat who lives inside it but he is a trickster and will hide when the door is open. If you put your face near it you will lose your whiskers and your nose will hurt. I do not know how the Cat Who Lives In The Oven can stand it in there but no amount of pizza would persuade me in. Not a second time, no sir.
The Record PlayerThis one is the best, especially if it is owned by a Skinny Man who took you to have your wossnames off not that I am bitter or anythings. Your humans may not have one of these as they are only had by humans that are gettinonabit but they are tremendous entertainment if you can ignore the squawking noises that come out of the big boxes next to it (these, by the way, are most excellent scratching posts but do not do that if there is a Skinny Man in the room at the same time as he will go red and throw things. This is another good reason to hide the tellphones.). Anyway, the Skinny Man will put on a record - which is a round black thing that it is more than your life is worth to play with ndash; onto the record player and then he puts a long stick onto it and it spins around. The best game is to sit on one of the big black boxes that the squawking noise comes out of and try to play Get It With Your Paw with the stick.
Oh, and be ready to run away and hide.
The MicrowaveThis is a box that they put cold food in and hot food comes out that is too hot to eat. There is also a small cat who lives in there, I do not know what he is called but he must do something to make the cold food go hot and then he makes a peep-peep-peep noise and turns the light out. He is not there when they open the door. Too freakinrsquo; weird if you ask me.
The Vacuum CleanerThis is an evil machine that you must run away and hide from. It lives in The Cupboard Under The Stairs and I believe it eats cats. The humans take it out and give it exercise now and then and it makes a horrible noise. Well, I suppose you would too if you were being pushed across the carpet on your face but it is deeply horrid and I hate it.
The HairdryerThis is a bit like a small version of the Vacuum Cleaner except they do not push it around the floor but the Noisy Woman waves it around her head when she is making herself a glamour puss. Be on your guard. If ever she makes herself very clean and then very smelly from the squirty bottles and then spends ages waving the hair dryer around her head, then there is a very good chance that her and the Skinny Man will, at some point in the evening, drink silly juice and end up bouncing on each other. Which is not a nice thing to watch, especially if said Skinny Man has previously had your wossnames chopped off not that I am bitter or anything. Anyway, be warned. Hair dryers lead to things that no cat should have to see.
And that is it for the first of the Fluffy Ratbag Guides For Cats. I hope that this has helped clear up a few things about everyday Domestic Appliances and I will talk to you again soon. For now, though, you must excuse me as all this talkinrsquo; has made me a bit peckish so I must go and tell the Skinny Man that itrsquo;s time for Food.
Thank you and good night.rdquo;
Fluffy Ratbag hopes yoursquo;ve enjoyed this and welcomes comments from other cats, their owners and, indeed, anyone with Food. You can check out all of Fluffy Ratbagrsquo;s posts at http://fluffyratbag.livejournal.com.
Copyright (c) Fluffy Ratbag, 2008. All rights reservedcath rom, cath quinton, cath pulmonary, cath pubic supra.


